So, I’m writing this to apologize. I have been harboring a lot of bitterness lately. I have broken my own rule. I’ve been upset and angry yes, but I’ve not told anyone why I’m angry. I have expected people to just know why I’m upset, yet I’ve not told anyone what’s wrong with me.
I have felt abandoned by people who are suppose to be my friends and family. I have expected people to behave the way I would. My accident has caused me to go on this roller coaster ride of pure hell. People who know me know that I am a very independent person. It’s a rare occasion for me to come out and ask anyone for anything. The frustration I have been going through has been immense and exceedingly stressful.
My accident has caused an exorbitant amount of stress on not only me, but also on my husband and my kids. They have had to pick up all my slack. They have been doing everything they can to take care of me. David especially has had to endure a huge amount of added stress. He’s trying to make sure I’m okay and take care of me, trying to make sure the kids are okay, trying to take care of everything around the house, trying to work two jobs, trying keep everything as normal as possible. He’s doing all of this and it’s taking it’s toll on him.
With that said, let me explain why my frustration is also with certain people in my life. If roles were reversed between me and anyone in my life that I care about I would act very differently than some people have. I would not wait for an invitation be there for someone. No one would have to ask me to do anything. I am upset because I don’t feel like I should have to ask my friends and family to offer to come make dinner one night or maybe straighten up the house a little bit, or offer to take my kids to the park to give them a little break, etc…No one I care about would have to ever ask me to do anything if the roles were reversed.
In fact, how many times have I been called on spur of the moment for favors. I would like all of you to rack your brains and come up with a single time I have ever outright refused to do a favor, no matter what I may already have planned. I have made it appoint to be there for you no matter what. I have gone out of my way, sacrificed my time, stepped up even when I didn’t really feel like it. In fact, everyone of you know that if there is a single person in your life that you know you can always depend on it’s been me. I’ve made every effort to be a good person and be a good friend.
And I’m not saying I’m perfect because we all know that isn’t true. But I do feel as though when my accident happened everyone scattered. It’s as though the thought of having to actually put any effort towards our relationship was just too much to bear. Or that now that I’m hurt and can’t do like I used to, I’m of no use to anyone so no one bothers to come around.
Now, I’ve been told that it must be my fault. That I have actually been a disappointment in the friendships. And if that’s the case well I just don’t know what to tell you other than I'm sorry. However the way I see it, I’ve done all I know to do to be a good person and a good friend. So if you feel that I am the disappointment then we probably shouldn’t be in a relationship anyways. I feel hurt and angry at how I have been treated or rather disregarded. I didn’t expect anyone to just put their life on hold to be there for me and my family. I didn’t expect to be the center of your lives. I guess I just made the mistake in expecting my friends and family to step up at all.
I have learned much from this whole experience, it’s been a painful road, not only physically but emotionally as well. I will be stronger from the experience when it’s all over. I just wanted to let you all know where I stood and why, if I seem different to you, it’s not without reason. And if you choose to blame everything on me well that’s fine too. At least we all know where we stand now.
Take care – Crystal
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